"Just" a Nursing Student

"Just a nurse"
"Just a student"
"At least she wasn't your patient, you just did postmortem care"
"You're just new, you'll get used to it" 

“Just". It’s a word I'm no longer friends with, especially when it's used in the realm of nursing. Synonymous with “barely”, “narrowly”, “simply”, “no more than”, etc., the word "just" isn't exactly one that leaves me feeling excited or confident. 

In my future career, I will not “just” be a nurse. I will meticulously calculate, administer, and titrate intravenous infusion drip rates for cardiac meds. I will do chest compressions when a patient codes. I will identify adventitious breath sounds and coordinate interventions with physicians and respiratory therapists. I will be a critical thinker, an advocate, a leader on the forefront of researching evidence-based practice and influencing policy.

I am not “just” a student. I have inserted anything from an IV to an NG tube to a foley catheter and administered more medications than I can count. I have been part of some amazing moments: I held a woman’s legs open as she gave birth after over 12 hours of labor, helped potty train a chronically ill two year old who has spent most of his life in the hospital, calmed down a young woman having a panic attack as her PICC line was placed, made a four year old smile despite her pain of having tubes in practically every orifice of her body. I have also been a part of some tough moments: I assisted in reporting elder abuse to adult protective services, initiated placing a patient on suicide precautions after identifying warning signs of depression and suicidal ideation, sat next to parents who learned their infant son would never walk, talk, or even breathe on his own. I am not a licensed healthcare professional yet, but I am immersed in patient care, and I am in the room too during emotionally charged moments.

I am allowed to grieve and reflect after “just” doing postmortem care, even if I did not take care of or know the patient when he or she was alive. Putting a dead premature infant in a box to be carried down to the morgue and cleaning up an adolescent girl who died by suicide are images I will never forget. Bathing a postmortem patient is not the same as mopping up a floor. It is such a unique privilege to be able to honor someone in his or her last moments before being placed in a body bag and refrigerator. I care during these moments because I care for all patients whether or not they were assigned to me. 

I hope to whatever higher power there is that I do not "just get used to it". I am new to this field, yes. I have a lot yet to learn, see, and experience. I will grow and change in ways I cannot predict. I still do not fully comprehend everything this career entails. But I never want to lose this sense of empathy. I never want to stop seeing the patient I care for as someone's daughter, son, sister, brother, best friend, or loved one. I want to always be the nurse that the general population sees us as; I want to always be the nurse that I would want taking care of myself or my loved ones. I hope I learn to apply these powerful emotions (happy, sad, proud, disappointed, exhilarated, exhausted, triumphant, defeated, etc.) towards making me a stronger nurse and a stronger person. I hope I always see my patients' medical stories as reflections of their personal stories. I hope I never become jaded and build up walls that block my compassion.  

We students decided to enter the field of nursing to change lives and to help pick up the pieces when we cannot save them. We were drawn to nursing because we are compassionate, empathetic, kindhearted, and strong. We are sometimes made to feel as if having emotions makes us naive or weak. I beg to differ; we are human beings, and we are seeing some tough sh*t. Through self-care and honest and open communication with ourselves and others, we can channel these emotions and still be healthy, strong, successful nurses. When done right, I believe this career can be humbling, inspiring, and positively life-changing.

I am a nursing student, and I am proud of what I do and feel for others.