Who's Who?

Job applications are coming up for RN Residency positions, and a veil of nervousness is creeping over my judgment. I'm currently in a 10-week immersion at my number one choice out of the hospitals and units I am applying to. As the weeks count down, certain types of phrases are making more of an appearance in my thoughts:

• "I should have been more professional and sat quietly in the break room while people were talking about Kylie Jenner giving birth"
• "I should have shown my personality more instead of sitting there so quietly so they know I can fit in"
• "I should have been more comfortable earlier on and approached more nurses during my first few weeks"
• "I should have not seemed so comfortable early on; I don't want them to think I'm cocky"

Wanting people to like me has sometimes made me not act like the real me. Wanting people to like me has sometimes got me wondering, "who is the real me?"

When I'm with my friends, I'm hyper, I'm goofy, and I won't shut up. I want all fun all the time. I speak without thinking, and I allow myself to just let loose and not be constrained by the characteristics of my other facets.

 

When I'm in the academic setting, I'm driven, meticulous, self-critical, intense, and unfortunately, a bit competitive. I want perfect results. 

When I'm at the hospital, I'm softer, quieter, caring. 

I'm also a bit more nervous and in my own head. 

I want so badly to make a good impression.

When I'm with my boyfriend, I'm loving, generous, silly, thoughtful, supportive, and sometimes a bit needy...oops!

When I'm with my family, I'm more innocent, appreciative, sarcastic, and moody (sorry guys...)

And when I'm alone, I'm introspective, sensitive, calm, mindful, inspired.

When I'm alone and I think of who I am as a person, I don't only identify as the over-the-top quirky friend, the nervous yet compassionate student nurse, the type-A student, or the daughter always asking for a favor. Yet, when I'm in those different areas of my life, I find myself looking at me through the lenses of those nearby (or should I say through the lenses I assume those nearby me have). For a day at a time, I become the energizer bunny out on the town, the student nurse who wants to show I can fit in, the girl taking her studies a bit too seriously. It's easy to forget the other "versions" of me, and I somehow manage to forget the positive aspects of those "versions."

I often subconsciously think of people as labels in relation to who they are to me (co-worker, boss, academic peer, brother, friend) instead of humanizing them as a whole and complex individual. By doing so, it inadvertently makes it easier for me to view myself as a label when I'm in a particular setting. I temporarily think of myself as "new nurse" or "cousin" or "student," and that's when I forget that I myself am a whole and complex individual. To get more in touch with overcoming this, I need to make a few vows to myself. (And no, they're not as simple as, "stop caring what other people think")

I vow to actively challenge my thoughts anytime I view someone else as a label in relation to my life. 

I vow to actively challenge my thoughts anytime I view myself as a label in relation to someone else's life. 

I vow to attempt to view my different facets not as different versions of myself, but as different components of my whole self. 

I vow to remind myself of my various facets when I find myself stuck in one set of lenses. 

By living these vows, I hope to naturally begin to achieve the more difficult goals of caring less what others think, of blending more of my different facets together, and of actually viewing myself not as a label, but as someone who seeks adventures, who is driven, who is both compassionate and passionate, who is energetic around others and calm by myself, who is fiercely loyal, who is loving and appreciating, and (sometimes the most difficult to remember,) who is loved and appreciated. Godspeed ahead.