FOMO No Mo': Navigating a Career and Lifelong Friendships

Nursing school changed almost all of my friendships. 

I used to talk to my closest friends every single day. I saw my best friends multiple times a week. I FaceTimed or spoke on the phone with each of my out-of-town besties at least five times a month. I would not just attend, but I would plan mini high-school or college reunions, vacations, happy hours, potlucks, birthday dinners, and GNO's. I had nearly perfect attendance at all of my friend's gatherings. And then...

Nursing school happened.

Maybe I'm the only nursing student who felt this "loss" so strongly. Maybe I'm the only future nurse thinking about this. I'll be the first to admit that this post stems from insecurities, and my insecurities may be unique to my personality.

To start, nursing school meant moving, and moving meant being anywhere from a one to seven hour drive away from a majority of my people.

To add to that, nursing school is really (&#*$& time consuming.

I imagine if I lived in the same city as all of my friends, I'd see them more often.
I imagine that without the additional hours spent in lecture, studying for tests, and completing at-home readings/papers/assignments, I'll have a little more free-time on my hands when I graduate and am working as an RN. (Although.... new grad programs will still require plenty of additional work outside of my bedside shifts).

Yet, no matter what, in my future career, I'll still have to make social sacrifices unique to nursing. Realistically, as a new nurse, I'll work night-shifts, work about every other weekend, and work on a few major holidays.

When I work night-shifts, you can count on my availability for happy hours to dwindle rapidly.
When I work weekends, I can kiss many a Sunday-Fundays goodbye.
When I work holidays, you likely won't see me on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving or on New Year's Eve.

I'm not saying this to complain or to victimize myself or the nursing profession. Hundreds of thousands of nurses before me have encountered these scheduling conflicts, and I know my job will be more than rewarding enough to (overall) counterbalance them. There are so many perks to a nursing schedule (e.g. flexibility for travel, empty supermarkets on days off, guilt-free solo Netflix days), and a nursing schedule does not sabotage friendships.

But, still, nursing school changed almost all of my friendships, and I need to make peace with that. 

Even once I graduate, I won't be as available to others as I was a few years ago. Because I moved, my long-distance friendships won't entail what they used to (i.e. frequent wine nights, coffee dates, TV-binges, carpool karaokes). Nursing school changed almost all of my friendships, and graduating won't change them back.

In any field, time off from work feels precious. In nursing, it's essential to surviving the career. Skipping events will not only be limited to the days I am at work. If I am to survive (physically and emotionally) and fight off burnout in the PICU, I'll need to take care of myself. That means getting enough sleep, resting my body after 12+ hours on my feet, pampering myself, and practicing self-care. That means skipping out on some events during my off-days too.

When I first started nursing school, I felt the strain of less frequent gatherings with my non-nursing and long-distance friends. I felt major FOMO when I could no longer be present at Bachelor Mondays, out-of-town birthday parties, and etcetera. I felt less secure in my relationships as we talked less, saw each other less, and knew less about one another's day-to-day lives. I felt impatient and offended when they didn't understand how rare and important it felt when I DID have the opportunity to spend time with everyone, and our plans stalled or fell through. I felt misunderstood when they didn't realize how sparse free-time is throughout nursing school. I also felt my own sense of panic when I wasn't "living my best life" during my off-days, and I projected some of the blame onto them. I'll be extremely transparent, this process took a definite toll on me and my self-esteem. I'll be even more transparent... I still haven't completely worked through it.

Lately, I've been thinking of many of the "adult" friendships I've witnessed throughout my life. Many of these lifelong friendships don't require daily or weekly or even monthly conversations. They trust in the assumption that it'll be as if time hadn't passed once they are reunited again. They prioritize major life events (weddings, baby showers, an annual group vacation) and don't sweat it when they can't make it to a happy hour, group dinner, or random weekend trip.

I have to put more trust in my non-nursing and long-distance friendships. I have to trust that we'll still be close even if someone can't make it out to a bar on that random Friday an extra friend is in town. I have to trust that we'll be just as close even if we aren't FaceTiming on a regular basis. I have to trust that our presence in one another's lives is meaningful, even if it isn't the same as it once was.

I'm starting to understand that true lifelong friendship doesn't rely quite as much on the frequency of seeing/talking to one another as I once thought. It relies on how things are between us during the times that we do.

I have to restructure the way I view my friendships. I have to focus on the support and the love that is meaningful. Are my friends there for me? Do they care how I'm doing? Do they support me? Encourage and empower me? Stand up for me? Try to understand me? Know what's important to me? Do they have my back? Do they not talk about me behind it? Are our efforts for maintaining our friendship (mostly) balanced? If the answers are yes, then that has to be enough. Otherwise, I'll live the rest of my nursing career insecure, bitter, and pushing people away.

Nursing school changed almost all of my friendships, and that doesn't have to be a bad thing.