Reconnecting With My Strongest Quality: How Being a New Grad Nurse Challenged My Compassion
Just four months ago, I wrote a letter to myself about the type of nurse I had hoped I'd continue to become as I started my RN Residency in the PICU. When I thought of the nurse I wanted to be, I envisioned someone who went above and beyond for her patients and their families. I pictured myself anticipating their emotional and spiritual needs by being so in tune to the behaviors they demonstrated. I saw myself wiping tears, making interdisciplinary advocacy phone calls, writing thoughtful notes, drawing silly pictures, and so much more. And yet, one month ago, I realized I had already distanced myself from the characteristics I envisioned myself perfectly embodying throughout my career.
Did I become jaded and "burnt out" that quickly? No, that's not how I'd describe it at all. It wasn't compassion fatigue either, because, it stings a little to publicly say it, but I questioned if I'd even come close to demonstrating the compassion I know I'm capable of.
It was three months and two days into my residency when the reality of my line of work came back into focus and hit me head on:
Do the number of times cried indicate how good of a nurse one is? Of course not, far from it. Tears are not a universal measurement of one's empathy, and certain levels of empathy are not necessarily helpful or productive in nursing. But, for me, tears have always been pretty reflective of the plethora of feelings I was put on this earth to feel, and they help me see where my emotions about certain topics stand. That day when I got off of my shift, I thought about the tears I had shed because of residency up until that point.
Number of times I cried because I was so overwhelmed and stretched thin by the demands of night shift: 2
Number of times I cried in the bathroom on the unit after receiving tough feedback: 1
Number of times I cried after getting in a fight with my boyfriend about how difficult my job is: 1
Number of times I cried because of the suffering of a patient and/or the grief of the loss I'm surrounded by: ................0
I spent 300 hours as a nursing student in the unit I just finished my RN Residency in. During that time, I can recall certain tears correlating perfectly with the emotions I felt so deeply for my patients and their families. But, as a student, the "real nurse" called the shots, and I was left with more time to connect with the patient, to learn about them, to feel for them and with them. And then, I became an RN myself, and the weight of responsibility shifted.
This made me so task-oriented that I've become a walking work-list of highlighted medications and checkboxes.
Hang Protonix first, it'll run quicker. Don't forget to check compatibility. Am I going to seem stupid if I ask someone if this intermittent med will give a mini-inter-lumen bolus of his other drips? Ummm...has that drainage always been present on that dressing??? How long has it been since I flushed that PIV? Wait how often am I even supposed to flush unused PIVs? Think about that later, stick with your head to toe approach for now. Okay, check chest tube output. I hope someone is outside to send these labs. Am I supposed to call a care partner for this type of thing? Is this agitation enough to warrant that narcotic PRN? Do I need a cosigner for this med? Let me pull up the policy. Oh s***, he's desating, give him some O's... think about what's causing this. OMG he's not coming back up, please don't drop low enough that I have to bag you, please don't drop low enough that I have to bag you.
Without me realizing it, this checklist mentality set up a framework for my thoughts to be mostly about myself. What do I have to do this hour? How and in what order should I perform these tasks? I have so much work to do with this busy pair. I keep getting admissions this week. What does my preceptor think about how I did today? I'm nervous that I'm going to make an error. Me, me, me. I, I, I.
It's been a confusing month since that thought-provoking shift. I felt so guilty as I discovered where the emphasis of my thoughts has been. I even began to doubt if I had provided any semblance of a meaningful experience for my patients and their families, wondering if I'd been a terribly selfish nurse. Yet at the same time, I knew that I owed it to my patients to be this vigilant and detail-oriented. It'll sound incredibly morbid to anyone not in the field, but, there will be no patient to show compassion to if that patient is dead, and, for twelve hours at a time, I'm in charge of making sure he or she stays alive. It takes a lot of brainpower at this stage in my career for me to be on top of the countless tasks required for this.
So, where does that leave me? I'm not yet experienced enough to have mastered patient care to the point that it's second-nature, freeing up hours of mental and emotional space to see the bigger picture. But, I'm still that same woman who wrote that letter four months ago, inclined towards compassion, destined to carry empathy with me, and I know that the humans I care for deserve SO much more than to be treated like a to-do list. I'm new enough to still be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed about the way I lend out my emotions, but in-the-know enough to understand I have to build up certain walls to maintain focus and prevent burnout. I have not yet discovered how to divvy out empathy as a more finite resource and compassion as an infinite one. I'm stuck between the all-out version of myself, where I sobbed on the way home and teared up for days to come after performing postmortem care as a student, and the opposite version of myself, where I don't even realize that I've been so busy focusing on q2 hour checkboxes that I've never even wondered if my patient's mom has eaten all day, where I forgot that I was taking care of someone's whole entire world.
I'm in a limbo where I see the nurse I want to be, but there is still so much standing in between me and her. All I know how to do in this phase is acknowledge where I am, believe in myself that I'll accomplish this balance, and continue to trust in the process that will lead me there.
Just four months ago, I wrote a letter to myself about the type of nurse I hoped I'd continue to become as I started my RN Residency in the PICU. I'm not 100% there, yet, but just you watch as I continue to try.
Did I become jaded and "burnt out" that quickly? No, that's not how I'd describe it at all. It wasn't compassion fatigue either, because, it stings a little to publicly say it, but I questioned if I'd even come close to demonstrating the compassion I know I'm capable of.
It was three months and two days into my residency when the reality of my line of work came back into focus and hit me head on:
Do the number of times cried indicate how good of a nurse one is? Of course not, far from it. Tears are not a universal measurement of one's empathy, and certain levels of empathy are not necessarily helpful or productive in nursing. But, for me, tears have always been pretty reflective of the plethora of feelings I was put on this earth to feel, and they help me see where my emotions about certain topics stand. That day when I got off of my shift, I thought about the tears I had shed because of residency up until that point.
Number of times I cried because I was so overwhelmed and stretched thin by the demands of night shift: 2
Number of times I cried in the bathroom on the unit after receiving tough feedback: 1
Number of times I cried after getting in a fight with my boyfriend about how difficult my job is: 1
Number of times I cried because of the suffering of a patient and/or the grief of the loss I'm surrounded by: ................0
I spent 300 hours as a nursing student in the unit I just finished my RN Residency in. During that time, I can recall certain tears correlating perfectly with the emotions I felt so deeply for my patients and their families. But, as a student, the "real nurse" called the shots, and I was left with more time to connect with the patient, to learn about them, to feel for them and with them. And then, I became an RN myself, and the weight of responsibility shifted.
This made me so task-oriented that I've become a walking work-list of highlighted medications and checkboxes.
Hang Protonix first, it'll run quicker. Don't forget to check compatibility. Am I going to seem stupid if I ask someone if this intermittent med will give a mini-inter-lumen bolus of his other drips? Ummm...has that drainage always been present on that dressing??? How long has it been since I flushed that PIV? Wait how often am I even supposed to flush unused PIVs? Think about that later, stick with your head to toe approach for now. Okay, check chest tube output. I hope someone is outside to send these labs. Am I supposed to call a care partner for this type of thing? Is this agitation enough to warrant that narcotic PRN? Do I need a cosigner for this med? Let me pull up the policy. Oh s***, he's desating, give him some O's... think about what's causing this. OMG he's not coming back up, please don't drop low enough that I have to bag you, please don't drop low enough that I have to bag you.
Without me realizing it, this checklist mentality set up a framework for my thoughts to be mostly about myself. What do I have to do this hour? How and in what order should I perform these tasks? I have so much work to do with this busy pair. I keep getting admissions this week. What does my preceptor think about how I did today? I'm nervous that I'm going to make an error. Me, me, me. I, I, I.
It's been a confusing month since that thought-provoking shift. I felt so guilty as I discovered where the emphasis of my thoughts has been. I even began to doubt if I had provided any semblance of a meaningful experience for my patients and their families, wondering if I'd been a terribly selfish nurse. Yet at the same time, I knew that I owed it to my patients to be this vigilant and detail-oriented. It'll sound incredibly morbid to anyone not in the field, but, there will be no patient to show compassion to if that patient is dead, and, for twelve hours at a time, I'm in charge of making sure he or she stays alive. It takes a lot of brainpower at this stage in my career for me to be on top of the countless tasks required for this.
So, where does that leave me? I'm not yet experienced enough to have mastered patient care to the point that it's second-nature, freeing up hours of mental and emotional space to see the bigger picture. But, I'm still that same woman who wrote that letter four months ago, inclined towards compassion, destined to carry empathy with me, and I know that the humans I care for deserve SO much more than to be treated like a to-do list. I'm new enough to still be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed about the way I lend out my emotions, but in-the-know enough to understand I have to build up certain walls to maintain focus and prevent burnout. I have not yet discovered how to divvy out empathy as a more finite resource and compassion as an infinite one. I'm stuck between the all-out version of myself, where I sobbed on the way home and teared up for days to come after performing postmortem care as a student, and the opposite version of myself, where I don't even realize that I've been so busy focusing on q2 hour checkboxes that I've never even wondered if my patient's mom has eaten all day, where I forgot that I was taking care of someone's whole entire world.
I'm in a limbo where I see the nurse I want to be, but there is still so much standing in between me and her. All I know how to do in this phase is acknowledge where I am, believe in myself that I'll accomplish this balance, and continue to trust in the process that will lead me there.
Just four months ago, I wrote a letter to myself about the type of nurse I hoped I'd continue to become as I started my RN Residency in the PICU. I'm not 100% there, yet, but just you watch as I continue to try.
Do you want to establish yourself as a professionals nurse? Then you should take a nursing degree. There are different types of nursing degrees available that nurses take to improve themselves to enhance their skills to help others. However, if you want to take a nursing degree program Florida then you can contact Florida International School.
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